Tuesday, April 5, 2011
How Do You Pray ???
I am writing this from a very deep place ... I have an ache and a peace that I do not understand how they co-exist together ... I sat in the doctor's office today (again) waiting to see the doctor to discuss once again what our options were to repair MAGGIE'S whole in her skull ... Scott and I have been praying for direction and for our doctor to give us guidance because we are NOT DOCTORS and are quite honestly at a loss ... We prayed for some specifics and they were answered today ... We have chose a procedure that will cut the top layer of another part of Maggie's skull to fill this whole in her head ... ARE THERE RISKS ??? To many to count, but this is our best course of action for MAGGIE ... To heal her outward wounds ...
I am not going to pretend anything here ... I got in my VAN and felt like an elephant was on my chest ... I was at peace because God had answered our prayers and showed us a direction, but I was lost in my own ability to cope with this ...
I actually remembered back to the time I was pregnant with Jeremiah and all the prayers that went in to praying him HEALTHY ... I was devastated with a miscarriage before him and I was so nervous and scared ... I realized after the miscarriage how badly I wanted to be a mother ... I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for Jeremiah and for him to be healthy ... AND AS I SAT IN MY CAR TODAY, I analyized why did I pray that way ... And I knew it was because I was trying to stay away from the very situation I AM IN RIGHT NOW ... I wanted safe and easy ... I didn't want to be out of my comfort zone ... I didn't want to spend hours and hours and days and days and months and months and years and years doing the exact thing I am doing now w/ Maggie and w/ Joseph ... Now don't misunderstand because I think we all pray for the health of our children and WE SHOULD ... But we need to be prepared when GOD CALLS US OUT OF THE BOAT or places us in an entirely opposite situation than we prayed for ... God opened a door for us and there is not an ounce of me that regrets WALKING THROUGH ... I sometimes get scared at the thought of missing this journey with Maggie ... I was a selfish, selfish person before my children came into my life ... As the Lord has added each ONE he has made me smaller and HIM BIGGER ... I rely on HIM every second of my day because there is no other way to get through it ... Doctor visits for two, special schools, extra attention, being ON-GUARD ALL DAY LONG, preparing a home for them all, giving them all attention, helping w/ homework, going to ball games, prayer time, outside time, dinner time, bath time and the list goes on and on ... IT IS EXHAUSTING, but it all falls right off my shoulders when my MAGGIE says, "YOU MY BESTEST MOM EVER !!!" ... I truly feel like she says that because she remembers her life w/out us ... She is healing on the inside in a way I didn't know was possible ... She is showing people Jesus and teaching me how to GIVE and LOVE on a level that I didn't know I had ...
Am I scared for the next surgery ???? YOU BET I AM ... That is my baby ... The child God picked for me and the child WE CHOOSE to be ours going under the knife again on her precious little head ... Does my stomach turn, my head get confused, and my emotions go all over the place ... YOU BET ... I am not strong enough for this journey, but I SERVE A GOD THAT IS and HE never leaves me ... The weaker and more submissive I am the MORE I can hear, see, and know HIM ...
I will always be thankful to Scott for understanding the calling I heard from the Lord to adopt and for holding my hand as we walked by FAITH into the unknown journey of adoption ...
We sorta of think MAGGIE has her own FAN CLUB AROUND THE WORLD ... hee hee ... AKA HER PRAYER WARRIORS (I say world because sweet little Matthew lives in HONG KONG and he has prayed for her since she came home) ... We appreciate YOU soooooo much ...
1st day of pre-k 5
summer vacation
Maggie and Emily
Surgery in November
RECOVERS LIKE A CHAMP !!!
Look at the beautiful ROUND head !!! and her hair is growing back so well !!!
I am so thankful I am her MOTHER !!!
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20 kind words.:
G-I have (cyber) known you for a long time now.. our days on the BCS SN board when we adopted together :O) and I have always loved your heart for others and your children. You touch souls in special ways with your gift for words, but its not just words you have follow through. U are a beautiful servant and role model and it is a privledge and honor to be praying for your family both now and over the years.
Maggie, you are precious. I could just gobble you up!
much love- jill
http://2princes2princesses.blogspot.com/
Oh Gwen, wow. I am one of Maggie's prayer warriors and have been since before you brought her home. The picture of her beautiful little head with all the stitches made me cry. She is so brave, and so are you. And I so understand what you are saying, even though I have only walked that road with my two children. That kind of prayer and faith is where I am daily with my two, but mostly my oldest now that she is out in the world, battling her medical needs minute by minute as an almost-adult. Thank you for posting your bare heart feelings. I am praying for you all.
Sivje
Don't forget me, I'm aaaaall the way in the UAE (Abu Dhabi / Dubai). You are a wonderful mommy and Maggs is an amazing, strong child. I will be thinking about her and praying hard! For our Father, the Almighty God, the Creator - the one whom Created her to embrace His little child in his arms and to guide the surgeon's hands. She will overcome this.
Acts 17:28, Romans 8:21
xo
Maggie's been in my heart lately. Thank you for sharing an update. Please know that I will be praying for her. Sweet blessings to your little champ. Hugs to the Momma too!
i love me my Mags...sweet baby girl...ya know i'll be visiting in the hospital and praying like crazy , kj
Hello from Hong Kong!
This is Matthew (aka Maggie's Prayer Warrior). What an improvement. Your head looks great Maggie. I will always keep you in my prayers. Hope to see you this summer.
Love,
Matthew
So glad to see the update, and she looks great! But poor thing! I had 47 stitches in my scalp as a teen for several potentially cancerous spots (they were benign but would have become skin cancer eventually) and that was agony so I can't even imagine what that sweet girl felt like.
Maggie has always had a special place in my heart, and she made me more determined than ever that we have a child waiting for us in China someday.
Thanks for the update, and continued prayers as the skull revision comes.
What a dear! Definitely praying for your beautiful daughter and your beautiful family!
I shouldn't have read this on my break at work!!! You talked about being selfish before you had children...I have two healthy bio boys..we began the process to adopt from China in 2007...we put that we wanted a "healthy infant girl"...I laugh when I read that now...God knew He had to do a work in my heart and my husbands before we were ready for HIS plan...but PRAISE GOD HE DID!!! He touched me with His hand and removed the scales from my eyes!! He took off my blinders to see the needs around the world. I'm so HAPPY we said YES to HIS plan..not ours..We are a family of 6. Two healthy bio boys, one daughter from Ethiopia in 2009 and one daughter from China...from the Special Needs program in 2010 (She's SPECIAL all right!)...GOD IS GOOD!!
Gwen, I love so much of what you shared. I shudder at the thought that my selfishness could have kept me from experiencing the greatest blessing of my life...Miss Libi, and that same selfishness could have kept her in bondage causing us both to miss the greatest deliverance we have ever known! So as I think of that word deliverance, it is the word I pray active into Miss Maggie's emotional and physical being.
Philippians 1:19
"for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."
Love to you and that little Maggie too!
You can count me in on praying for Maggie and you, Gwen. Next week, our newly adopted ten year old daughter is having open heart surgery, so I know how you feel a bit. Motherhood is not for wimps! I keep telling myself "be strong and courageous", just like God told Joshua.
Wow, your heart is so precious. Praying for Maggie and praying for you all. God is good and God is faithful.
We will be praying for sweet Maggie!!! and you too!!
There are praying Aussies as well! Maggie the little warrior princess we LOVE you. XXX Sandie
And don't forget her prayer team here in Hono, HI and you know Katie's girls are praying in Africa, so Hong Kong is only one branch of Maggie's prayer team. Sweet girl, she has the most special place in my heart, of all the kids, she tugs at me.
MISS you!!!!
So hard to walk with a child into that stuff. What a blessing you are for each other! I will be praying for you and for Maggie.
Blessings,
Deb
What a journey your family has been on! You and Scott have been amazing examples to your kids - not perfect, but amazing and real. Faithful, yet scared. Trusting in God the healer, but honest in your weaknesses. Continuing to forge ahead....
We will keep praying for your little Huaihua girl. She is incredibly loved and prayed for.
Gwen,
Your faith is amazing, radiant, and inspiring! Your Savior must be so proud of you, as you go through your days clinging to His hand.
You, Maggie and your family are in my prayers. God bless you.
Blessings,
Susan
That sweet Maggie...she's such a trooper! I don't think anything can prepare us for moments like these...that's a weight that's entirely too huge to carry on our own. I'm so thankful for Jesus who carries our burdens for us!!!! Please keep us updated and I'll be praying for your family, and specifically Miss Maggie!
Big love, girl...
Colleen
Gwen,
Thank you for posting this! I am just a baby in this adoption journey, adopting SN from China and we are waiting for referral or to find a boy off the shared list. Quite honestly, we are so excited, but the mommy in me is starting to experience fear as I consider this change in our lives. I know that God has it all mapped out and will be there for each step (He already has been!) But still, fear.... I needed to hear that hard is ok, and not being sure is ok, and that I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is our path and still be a little afraid of it. We have met sweet Maggie and my children still pray for her.
Thanks for sharing this,
Tiffany (Jackie's friend)