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Friday, October 23, 2009

The WELL BROKE ...

OK, so last night about 1am the WELL broke and I had myself a really good uncontrollable cry ... You know the kind that has your chest pumping up and down and you feel completely dehydrated after ... I had just hit my point ... Can you tell me why the excitement and joy for others can make your heart so sad ... Sweet friends came home w/ their child, another received news about a court date, and another will be traveling back soon to bring their child home ... I am completely and honestly thrilled for these families and for these children to be home, but it makes my heart ache even more for my children ... I have been reading the Psalms and I see how mighty and amazing my Lord is and therefore my frustrations and sadness are not a shock to Him and I don't feel like He is disappointed in me ... I KNOW He understands my sadness and even though His plan is perfect He loves my mother's heart that just wants my children home since that is the way HE created me !!!  He understands my frustration w/ the system and the timing and the laws and He is holding me when I cry or when I feel so stinking MAD that I want to punch something or tell someone off ... My GOD is mighty and I don't need to hide these things from HIM because at the end of the day my FAITH is strong and I WANT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR MY FAMILY ... HE is after all the only reason we are even adopting in the first place ... GOD's calling on our family to STEP UP and STEP OUT is all because we love HIM and trust HIM ...

This is something I know because I have been through this twice already --- When the phone does ring and I get on that plane all this will wash away ... I won't forget this feeling of ache or longing, but I will use it to help me become a better mother, a better wife, and a better daughter of the KING ...

So if you see me don't ask HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING because when I do you will know !!! I am just that loud of a southern girl !!!   A hug, a snicker bar, or a big fat ole DIET COKE will help this mama out with her sad heart... So tonight I don't feel any tears coming, but who knows tomorrow the WELL could break again and the LORD will meet me in the darkness and just HOLD me.

On A Side Note  ... You know how while you are waiting you can see so many blessings in the little things because it is like your awareness skills are heightened ... I had a sweet time w/ my kids last night as we watched the movie RADIO ... I enjoyed watching them react to the movie and ask questions ... I am enjoying my boy's kisses in the morning before they head out to school and the kisses I get when they walk in the door in the afternoon ... I hear the sweetness in my girl's voices as they wake in the morning when they ask me to cuddle for a bit (these days I stop and cuddle and don't rush them to get ready for the days errands) and I see the strength in my husband so clearly and how he loves us so deeply ... SO THE BEAUTY IN THE ASHES is that during the time of aching I can stop and see the blessings that God gives me everyday in my family ...

DOING MY PART !!!

40 kind words.:

The Young Family said...

We haven't gotten our referral yet, but I already long to have our baby home. I can only imagine after you have seen their sweet faces...so I am praying for you tonight and praying ESPECIALLY for your sweet son and daughter...and that this wait would be shortened and even sweet. I'm with you though on HOW CAN A WAIT BE SWEET?! Just bring them home now! Hang in there...and know you are not alone. Lifting your family and your babies up to the Lord tonight!

Tina said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes for sure. I think as woman and with adoption we all at some point get to this low spot...humbleness...your right it is then that we do see our blessings. I needed that reminder today, and I got it after reading your post. Praying for you!

Holly said...

Remember it says in the Word that weeping may last for a night but JOY comes in the morning...waiting with you for the phone to ring my friend.

Kim said...

Another beautiful post Gwen. Love your heart. Miss your company!
Love & Blessings from Hong Kong,
Kim

anna said...

Love you sister...you know I am always praying for you...

anna

ps: hw has me up this late...shocker!

Mom to 9 Blessings! said...

Oh Gwen - I know the ache all too well!

I understand how you are feeling!

As you said, He understands. He knows and He is faithful!

Praying for your heart to hold on through faith and patiently wait on His always perfect timing!

Big hugs!
Lots of love,
Jill

My Girls R Angels said...

Praying for you, Gwen!!

James 1:27 Family said...

Gwen, Thank you for sharing your heart. Mine is aching the same kind of ache as yours. I know exactly what you are feeling and it's a deep ache. It's the kind that makes daily tasks seem like climbing mountains. How great that we have a loving God who already knows the timing of every event for our families and we can rest on Him in our darkest hour. In our darkest hour, He is our strength.

"You are my tower from the enemy.
You have been so good,
So good to me."

Love in Jesus,
Amy

Kristy said...

Gwen I know EXACTLY how you feel, I am going thru every single emotion you are. A really good friend at our S.O.U.L. Cafe (sisters of unconditional love), Nan put a name to it for me the other night...I am Soul sick. This wait has just taken its toll but I do know that he has a plan and when that plan is revealed it will be perfect. And like you I am just enjoying what I have now. Just know that you are not alone, tuesday was "waiting month 42" for us and that is not including the 6 months it took to paperchase,so Im right there with you sister and I love you to pieces.

Love and blessings, Kristy

Aaron and Erica said...

Praying for you this morning my friend...

Erica

P.S. I'm so excited about the new 147 website :)

Over-Caffeinated X 4 said...

Okay girl, what is it about us women that makes us want to leave everyone feeling okay? Where you are right now plain old sucks! Sometimes it's okay to get down and wallow in the muck with us... Jacob wrestled it out with God... he walked with a limp for the rest of his life, but he got his way! I feel the same way, I feel like I wrestled it out with God a few times, I am definitely walking through life with a very pronounced limp, but I survived it and in the end, I got what I want, which was His desire placed in my heart to start with. So I guess what I want to tell you is that it's okay to leave us all on a down note, let us love on you, don't feel like you need to leave us feeling like you are okay and smiling... because it's okay not to be smiling right now. It doesn't diminish your joy for these sweet friends that your heart is broken. The good news is that we still love you because that's the real side of this thing in international adoption, there's a ton of heart break heaped on top of all the joy and promise! I love you sister... hope you know I'm not lecturing you, just laughing WITH you that all of us women feel the need to leave everyone on a high note... like we do with our kids. :)

Jewels of My Heart said...

Oh, sweet sister of mine....... my heart aches for you and your babies.... oh, how I understand each word you have written.... I remember waiting 37 years to hold Nicholas in my arms and the wait for Hannah.... now my heart waits again... but oh, how sweet when you hold your child in your arms and all the heartache, frustration, fear, sorrow, truly does wash away by the joy that fills you to overflowing....
Rest in our Father's arms... His grace is sufficient and your babies ARE coming home....
Standing with you.... praying...
big hug
Love you

ashley said...

Qwen~I will be praying for you! I know in our last adoption when I hit this point-I felt like I had hit the end of it all and I poured out my heart to the Lord and miracles started happening. Dont give in-I think we have to storm heavens gates to rench these kids from the devil. My heart aches for you. I know the pain.-Chris Tomlins "Hello Love" cd was a huge boost while I was waiting. Abba-I pray that you will be near to Qwens heart and that you will give her peace and strength to get through. Father we just pray that you will move mountains and we pray the blood of Jesus on this situation. Break down the strongholds and bring these children home.-In the Stong and Almighty name of Jesus-Amen

Beautiful Mess said...

God bless you sweet sister!

I wish I could see you in person to give you a King Size Snicker bar and a 2 liter of Diet Coke :)

The Jordan's said...

Your faith inspires me! Big huge hugs and tons of prayers your way!!

Cody and Sarah said...

I'm so sorry the wait is so painful. I'm glad you can feel free to cry out to God and know that He cares and is sovereign. We're also waiting to be united with our children in Uganda and I've also asked people not to ask if we've heard anything yet. "How are you doing with the waiting?" has been a more appropriate and helpful question. We don't have a lot of other adoptive families in our lives and the fact that no one really understands has pushed me even closer to my Savior and I'm grateful for that. Thanks for sharing your heart. It's a comfort for me to know we're not the only ones.

What a faith-building time this is! I'm praying for you and all of your family.

Shonni said...

What a sweet post...I sooo understand!!

Polly said...

Bless your sweet heart. As someone in the beginning of this journey I can't imagine how hard the end of the line waiting is. I'll be praying for you and sending you a big old imaginary chocolate dipped, deep fried, diet coke

Cari said...

I totally get the tears from frustration!! I've had those moments as well.

Waiting on our LSC for our daugther so we can travel to bring her home. Why does all the paperwork have to take soooo long?!

mica said...

I know your pain and the part about when the call comes it all goes away so quickly and we forget all this heartache, oh how I remember that. So hang in and I am praying for your family!

LIsa K. said...

Glad you could open up.Sometimes a good cry and people that will listen is what a weary soul needs. You are on the ride down in this journey. Keep holding on a little longer , God is going to move.

We had to wait 14 months on our second adoption. It was so hard but ....oh so worth the wait! Please know we are praying for you to be lifted up and a renewing in your spirit.

Love ya, LIsa

Kathy said...

Oh, sweet Gwen, praying for you today. God is always good, and His plan is always good, but sometimes it's just plain hard on us! Isn't it amazing what He does in us during the waiting times?

*Overflowing* said...

Hang in there mama...it will be soon...so very soon!!! Although enduring the wait is hard, God does have a perfect plan even through a wait that doesn't seem to make any sense. This is all part of your babies birth stories! Hugs girl!!! Praying continually!!!

Lora Lynn @ Vitafamiliae said...

Thank you for your honesty. I know being honest doesn't make your pain go away, but it helps us see the beauty within you, the real, human feelings and emotions wrapped up in a Mama's love.

Praying...

Robin said...

Sorry Gwen!!! i saw your kids 2 weeks ago at Amani. Joseph was running around with my girls and when it was time to go he just got up in my car with them!! When i got him out, he just got right back in!! :-) i so wished i could take him with me!!!
i'm praying you'll be in Uganda very soon!
ps...i would have written to you earlier but we had a break in and my laptop power cord was stolen (but thankfully not my laptop!!)

The Ferrill's said...

Oh Gwen....you're so strong! And you've got the right outlook to look for those blessings in the waiting!
We are praying for yall everyday...and we look forward to that blessed time when you're family is ALL together under one roof. It will be soon.
And in the meantime you will grow closer to the Lord as you are already doing! And did you know Snicker's came out with a Snicker FUDGE? I picked it up to buy it but then my conscious got the best of me and I put it back...I think I'll get one and eat it just for you, Gwen. Wanna come to AL and join me? ;)
Love you!
And I LOVE the site...it looks AMAZING!!!!!!!!

gsteacher said...

Gwen....I saw you and your adorable children last week in Chic-fil-A in Brentwood...I was there with my adopted daughter, Gracie, from China. I noticed right away your "orphans" bag (as well as your girls' adorable outfits!) and couldn't quit staring! You were out of business cards, was meeting someone you have never met before and were quite busy....but I am FINALLY getting to the website....I've had Katie on my blogroll for some time, but have been unable to really read blogs lately due to starting to homeschool my Gigi! Anyway, I am going to take some time SOON to read your blog, find out more and get involved. Bless you for reaching out to help others. Adoption is so precious, I'm glad we share that bond from the moment we spoke.
God is Good, All the time.
Blessings,
Amy Bryan

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

Just wanted to say.....I am praying for you....and YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! I know it can't bring them to you right now, but as a waiting mama.....I am soo with you. There are times when my well breaks open too....glad to know I am not alone, and hey- we are in it together to bring home God's children :)

Amy Jo said...

Oh, Gwen, I can relate, my Friend. We are awaiting our court date for our 8 year old Ethiopian son. With the last photos we received, we heard that he is "quite ready to come home." :-( We are QUITE reading for him to COME home. Waiting is so hard. Praying with you in the wait, Amy in OR

The Young Family said...

Oh girrrrlll...we aren't done filming! We'll be filming until November 10th---and I'll be more than happy to give Katherine and Josh 147 shirts!!! I say we do it and get the 147 word out to these actors!!! They would totally love it I know!

Sarah said...

Gwen,

Praying for you this morning as you continue to wait. If I was in Nashville again, I would give you tons of chocolate and Diet Coke! Chocolate always makes me feel better too :)...but since I can't give you comfort food, I'm praying this morning that Jesus will give you the peace that only He can give...praying for patience for your heart until your children are in your arms...

sarah ward

Erica said...

Oh sweet sweet Gwen! I wish I lived closer to bring you chocolate and a huge huge hug! I'm praying with you and for your sweeet babies as you wait on the Lords perfect timing.

Brenda said...

you're so focused...and I see your pain....many prayers continue...

PandaMom said...

I think I wrote those words. Really. It felt like I was reading my own pen. I had another "breaking point" this past week, too. We are just a couple more steps closer on the seemingly thousands it is taking to get to our next family member. I do hear you and feel you. Remember, though that you have a GROUP of amazing and beautiful children. We are going on five years just to get to child number two. I can't explain God's timing, but I do know He IS in control. I have to step back and remember that when seeing large families such as yours who seem to me to be where I can't ever get to that God's plan for other people is not the same plan he has for me. Make sense? Your babies are coming, my sister. Blessings. ; )

Kathy said...

Sweet Gwen,
Thank you for being so real and
sharing your heart in this beautiful post.
I so relate to your pain in this waiting.
Especially as we watch friends we love and
are so happy for going to get their sweet
angels. Yet we we still wait and it doesn't
seem to make any sense to us. I know our
Father in heaven has a perfect plan He is
working out for our families.
Yet my heart is still longing and aching to
bring our sweet daughter home. Holding
on to His faithfulness and promises that
she will be home before her birthday.(she
will age out and no longer be eligible)
(((hugs))) and prayers.

Brian and Mandy Harvey said...

Each adoption story is SO different! I totally understand where your heart is. Brian and I were in Nashville the weekend Mike and Suzanne were moved to start the adoption process with Joshua. It was the same weekend that we were moved to start our process with Mia. They have brought home TWO almost THREE children in the time it has taken us to bring our Mia home :-) There were so many times that my heart was so frustrated at how long this was taking, yet I know Him well enough to know I had not been forgotten, or that the timing was a mistake. Then just recently He reminded me that long-suffering can't happen in a short time period. I am so glad you and Suz and Mike and all your families are in this together. I will pray for you and can't wait to rejoice with you when you bring your little people home! Oh, by the way, I meant to tell you how much my family (my kids especially) enjoyed when Jeremiah came on our beach vacation this last summer. He has a precious heart...was SO tender toward my kids, it really blessed me. Your children are blessed to have you as a mama and all that you are going through now you will be able to pass it on to them, as a way of arming them for their battles to come in their lives--God is building in you a legacy of strength to pass on to them.

Prayers for you all,

Mandy

Rachel said...

Sweet friend,
For me it's Swedish fish and a diet coke...but I hear ya! : ) May He embrace you in His perfect peace.

Love
Rachel

Diane said...

No words, really. None. But, want you to know your family continues to be thought of and prayed for. It is my JOY to continually watch those prayers answered in a way that only our Father in Heaven can answer!!!

GO TEAM!! :)

Chantelle said...

That well meaning phrase..."Have you heard anything" sure can sting... as so many of us know all too well. ((hug))

Blessed Mom of Four, Now Five said...

I will likely always remember the day when the well broke, while waiting for our sweet Ellie.

If you'd like to read some words that resonate with your heart, check out our blog and search the post, "Mournful."

I cried and cried that day, and let the tears flow, because I knew my Saviour knew I was hurting.

You will hold your precious babies one day! And, we will all smile and laugh, clap and sing with delight!!!!

Robbie